Divorce mediation is process of dissolving the marriage in a non adversarial way. The framework provides you with the opportunity to negotiate your own settlement on the assumption that the decision to separate and /or divorce has been made .
You may decide to consult with a lawyer at the beginning of the mediation process to insure that you know your legal rights. Even though you will negotiate directly with your spouse in the mediation process. You are free to consult with a lawyer at any time during the mediation process. and you will need to have a lawyer prepare the legal documents based on the mediation, as more fully describe below .
This is not an avenue to solve conflicts of the past. You may begin to understand some of these past problems in a different light . but we will not be working to resolve them .Rather, we shall ,through the process of mutual negotiations, attempt to define a new life with new options for each of you. To do this, there must develop a sense of mutual respect among the three of us.
Too often divorce is placed in a win/lose framework. Given that situation, compromise is difficult ,since it is seen as a lose. A smart, if less than honest, tactic is ok because it means a win. However, the result is a loss for both of you, since wining this situation denies a part of the others humanity. The divorce mediation process is designed to eliminate the win/lose atmosphere process . since the process is mutual , you cant win at the other s expense. Neither can you lose. You must come out of it with a settlement acceptable to both of you and controlled by both of you .We call that a '' WIN /WIN'' solution.
With control over the outcome you also experience a sense of power over the life decisions. The important aspects of divorce are that;
You emerge from these negotiations with a new sense of dignity and a clearer sense of self and what the future holds for you .
You can place the past behind you and concentrate on the future.
My function is to assist you reach a settlement. I do not represent either of you individually. My commitment is to a settlement you can both live with .I WILL USE MY MEDIATION SKILLS TO HELP YOUIDENTIFY THOSE AREAS OF AGREEMENT AND THESE SUBSTANTIVEAREAS OF DISAGREAMENT. I WILL HELP YOU NEGOTIATE THE SUBSTANTIVE AREAS OF DISAGREAMENT TO REACH A SETTLMENT.I WILL ALSO MANAGE THE CONFLICT BETWEEN YOU SO IT BECOMES PRODUCTIVE RATHER THAN DISTRACTIVE .
THE PROCESS
In the first phase I will help you to identify the parameters for negotiations. I will be working with you to define your short -and long -term goals. Obviously, you have given this whole matter considerable thought and you have many ideas on what the ultimate settlement should include. You can ''sound out'' ideas before proposing them .I can help by sharing my experience with you on what has worked in the past for other couples and what norms are.
I cannot define the settlement ,and I can not impose an agreement. My role is to assist you reach your agreement .I will NOT take sides on the issues .
I am interested in the settlement as a principle, and I am interested in you as people .I feel for your pain and want to help you through this difficult process and help diminish this pain. Finally, I hope to help you use these negotiations to place the past behind you .The marriage is ending ,but you have a life ahead of you . That new life can be marred by holding onto the anger of the separation, or the new life can be an exciting opportunity to redefine yourself.
I am working for and with both of you to help you reach a settlement that permits you to concentrate on the future and the potential it holds.
There is a typical process we will use to reach a settlement; however ,your individual needs may cause us to depart from a strict adherence to it. During the process we will ;
⦁ develop current and future income information
⦁ develop budget
⦁ inventory marriage assets
⦁ begin to define each of your short and long term goals
⦁ define general area of agreement
⦁ define substantive area of disagreement
⦁ identify symbolic and emotional issues
⦁ work through the parenting arrangements
⦁ negotiate money differences
⦁ develop a settlement
Sessions normally last 2 hours, however we do not limit ourselves. Rather, we attempt to complete the business schedule for that session. My role as mediator is to help you retain your power over the decision making process that affects your life. My focus is on the future and helping define new options to you.
Budgeting guidelines
The purpose of this guide is to assist you in defining what it will costs for you to live separately. Obviously your total expenses will increase, however in developing a budget you may also identify area of expenditure that can be reduced without significantly changing your essential standard of living. In addition, the process of budgeting help you to develop a rational data base from which to begin negotiation. Budgeting is difficult for most people, yet budgeting is financial planning which enable us to make intelligent decisions and rational choices. Our purpose is to enable you to establish broad outlines, and by drawing on experience, to project future needs, recognizing that your future needs will be different from the past. The budget deal with anticipated expenses. They will defer for each of you depending on certain variables. For example, who will be primarily responsible for the children? Will one of you continue to live in the family home? In many marriages, one spouse will assume responsibility for budgeting and handling the finance. This leave the other person "in the dark" When it comes to preparing the database. Doing the budget provides both of you with the same data and enable you to make rational decisions about your future. There are time when the person who has more control over the money find it difficult to share his information because knowledge is often equated with power. However if you don't share this knowledge with your spouse now, as the basis for reaching a mutual decision, you might have to share it later with the judge who will make a unilateral decision, thereby giving up all of your power. By sharing all of the information now, you assure that you will both keep and be able to exercise your power. So, in a real sense we are working together to provide you with the power to make your own decisions about your own life. That means sharing data at this point so those decisions can be mutual.
Child support
The Child support Guidelines Mandate that all child support be based on your actual income. It is assumed that you, as parents, will spend a specific percentage of your combined income on your children as follows
one child 17%
two children 25%
three 29%
four 31%
five+ 35%
The percentage is based on your gross income before deductions less money paid for FICA (social security) in the previous year.
It is assumed that each parent is contributing the same percentage to the children's expenses. In addition to the cash child support, parents are expected to share in the cost of child-care expenses incurred by the resident parent while working and uncovered medical expenses. (You are expected to cover your children under employee-provided health insurance). The ratio for sharing these expenses is the ratio of the 2 incomes less FICA.
We will start the process by reviewing the future needs as indicated by the budgets and then we will calculate and apply the child support guidelines. If you have a deficit following this part of the process, closing that deficit will be a subject of the negotiations. As you collect all the data together, you begin to define the parameters of any agreement. You cannot divide what you don't have. You will begin to see that living separately costs more than living together. Therefore, there may have to be a reduction in the standard of living of both of you once the separation begins.
This leads to uncertainties and a sense of insecurity in you. That insecurity is as integral a part of these negotiations as are the emotional issues that led to the decision to divorce. Security will be sitting at the negotiating table with you, and you won't be able to leave until you settle it's needs.
The data you have prepared enable you to consider some of the broad choices you need to make. Your final agreement will probably consist of maintenance and/or child support. There are pros and cons to each of these and to how payments should be divided. We will also consider the possibility of changing incomes and changes in the cost of living.
If you have been shopping lately for a new car or to replace furniture, you know just how expensive these items are. If you are just making ends meet and the washing machine breaks down for good, no amount of wishing will get you a new one. So, think about cars, appliances, furniture and other high-cost items you have that might need replacement in the next two years and include them in the work sheet.
Your assets
Marital assets (everything you have inheritances) need to be identified, and an equitable distribution of these must be apart of a mediated settlement. By and large, inheritances and gifts to an individual are considered nonmarital assets. This an "equitable division" state, which means it may be equitable to divide property other than equally. However the decision of how you divide the assets is up to you; you know your needs. We will work on identification of marital assets and how to divide them.
Considering your children
So far we have concentrated on the economic issues. But, what about the kids? In our society people generally think about children in 3 ways: one, as chattels " they belong to me", "I have invested all I have in them. I see in them my hopes for the future. Two, " As weapons "if he thinks he is going to see them whenever he wants, he is nuts." "If I'm paying for them, I am going to decide who visits with her and when I see the kids." Three, as people are afraid about the future, divided in loyalty, having feelings and needs independent from either of you and dependent of both you. Most of us have a combination of those feelings and sorting out which of the feelings are valid is difficult. The reality is that your children need both and you both need the children. Your the only parents they will ever have, and they need you to cooperate in the future as parents. I will help you keep this in mind as you negotiate an agreement that provides for a parenting role for both parents in the best interest of your children. One, family court judge has developed a bill of right of children in divorce actions. Among those rights are: one, the right to be treated as interested and affected person and not as a pawn, possession or chattel of either or both parents. Two, the right to grow to maturity in that home environment, which will best guarantee an opportunity for the child to mature to responsible citizenship. Three, the right to day to day love, care, discipline, and protection of the parent having custody of the child. Four, the right to know both parents and to have the benefit of such parents love and guidance through educate access. Five, the right to a positive and constructive relationship with both parents, with neither parent permitted to degrade or downgrade the other in the mid of the child. Six, the right to have moral and ethical values develop by precept and practices and to have limits set for behavior so early in life the child might develop self discipline and self control. Seven, the right to the most educate level of economic support that can be provided by the best efforts of both parents. Eight, the right to the same opportunities for education that the child would have had if the household had not dissolved. Neither of you wants to put the children in a disadvantage. You both want the best for them. However, if the children are viewed as bargaining tools or are ignored during the negotiations, then there is a disadvantage of harming them. For those reasons, it is important to determine how the children can be involved in the decision making process. They are entitled to sum input on the issues effecting their lives. The precise nature of that input should be decided in the ways you make family decisions. You would not admit a six year old to the bargaining table as an equal. On the other hand, as sixteen year old won't accept placidly a living arrangement that (s)he had no role in shaping. Part of the negotiations is about how to involve the children appropriately in those parts that have direct baring on them. There are many options open to you regarding your children. They include: join residency: in this arrangement you continue to live in close proximity (usually within the same school district) with the children spending part of each week or month in each household, coming and going according to some comfortable arrangements.
Joint parenting:
Here you agree to share all parenting decision making even though the children live primarily with one of you.
Single custody:
The children live with one of you who make all the decision with either an "open" arrangement regarding access rights of the other parent, or you make specific arrangements detailing when and where the other parent has access to the children. The joint residency arrangement might prove to be outside your realm of expectations. But if you plan to live close by and you can tolerate the essentially unstructured nature of this arrangement, then you should give it serious consideration. The important thing to remember is that you will always be parents to your children even though you decide no longer to be husband and wife. During the divorcing process, some people feel that whatever child contact their granting the other parent is concession. Such an attitude ties a stone around that parents neck. In addition to normal access, each parent should consider the other parents obligation to care for the children. You're both the parents, and while you may no longer be able to share the day to day caring for the children, you can share the week to week responsibility. Such an open arrangement also means that the children do not become a total burden on the freedom of one parent. This arrangement extends the parenting partnership theory of marriage into the post-marriage relationship. The following points should be consider in determining parenting arrangement: the age and the sex of the child, together with the interaction and inter relationship with both parents and siblings: the child's adjustment to home, school, and community: the mental and physical health of all involved. So, in planning the future, think about those points. Your children have rights, and you have rights to frequent contact with them, or relief from the day to day burdens of child rearing. They have needs. You have aspiration for them. How you work out the parenting issues will have a significant impact on the emotional life of your children and their future relationship with you as they mature.
THE NEGOTIATIONS PREPERATIONS:
Preparation is the key to success to negotiation. That is why we spend so much time preparing and educate data bass from which to start. As we get ready to negotiate here are some ground rules to follow:
KNOW YOUR CASE AND RIGHTS
You should be fully aware of your rights, and if necessary, consult with a lawyer to insure that you are. This does not mean that a lawyer should negotiate for you. You should define what it is you need in the settlement. Once you have a broad idea of what you need, begin to think through why you need it. Separate out each piece and develop in your own mind your reasons for it.
REVIEW THE OTHER POSITION
Having prepared your case, try to review the other case. What is his/her response likely to be to your proposal? What argument is s(he) likely to advance in opposition to your proposal? What things is s(he) likely to advance?
IDENTIFY THE CONSTRAINTS
As you are thinking those points through, you will also begin to identify those constraints that must be recognized and factor in. For example, you cannot divide more than is totally available. You cannot ask for $15,000 and expect your partner to leave on $10,000 if your total income is only $20,000. Or, if their is only one car and one income producer and the only way to get to work is by car, then this places a constraint on who gets the car. If you think those points through in preparation, you won't be surprised in the actual negotiations.
LIST THE POINTS
List the points you wanna raise in each session: define your goals into an order of priority to help you deicide what to emphasize in the session. As you prepare for the negotiations, the task will often seem formidable. You will worry about not doing it correctly and many aspects of it will rekindle anger as it touch on some of the reasons of the divorce.
OUR ROLE (THE ROLE OF THE MEDIATOR)
My role at this point is to help each of you develop your case. I do this by focusing on what is in your best interest without regard to the other party, since the give and take must come from each of you in the negotiations.
GUIDELINE FOR USEFUL BEHAVIOR
There are some useful guidelines for behavior at the meetings. I will start the discussion from area of common agreement, rather than from an obviously controversial area. Once you have secured a beginning base of agreement on which to build, you will find that subsequent favorable accommodations are more easily reached on disputed issues. As you reach agreement, I make a not of them, and we will remove those issues from the table. That does not mean we can't reopen those issues later, and obviously nothing is finalized until the actual settlement is signed. During the talks my focus is reaching a settlement you can both live with. Therefore, I will always be looking for the yes and trying to avoid reaching a premature no. However, each of you has the right to say no to the demands that are totally unacceptable to you. In mediation I help you to make a good effort to see the others point of view without losing sight of your own possession. At the same time, you should be well enough prepared to explain the reasonableness or acceptability of your proposals. To help you do this, I will ask you to state your proposal and then explain why they are beneficial to the other as well as yourself. It is often difficult to decide, and the more important the decision, the more difficult it is to reach. One way of easing the burden of making a heavy decision is to offer a "forced choice" of two alternatives. Think about situations where you can suggest two alternatives of approximately equal value. Be careful not to offer a choice between something and nothing. Always remember the goal you have set can be reached in many ways. Be open to alternative plans or routes to your goals. Try also to determine which goals can be "traded" for a goal of your partner. Negotiating is the hard of compromising ---that means giving and taking. When tensions are high as they must inevitably be in this situation, it is important to work at minimizing them. Thus, if you win a point in the debate or if the other concedes and item be gracious. Credit the other with sincerity. It will make it easier for both of you to make other compromises. Try to maintain your own sense of dignity. Don't plead your case. You have invested as much in this marriage as much as your partner has, explain your position, discuss the issues, try to persuade, but don't plead you have rights too. The real art of negotiating is listening. You know your spouse very well. Listen closely for clues as to when and how concessions are likely. Don't talk more than necessary. Many an agreement has been lost because one person kept on talking past the point when the other was willing to agree. Remember that you cannot give anything away when you are listening. If you are not ready to commit yourself at any point, don't get pressured. Say you need time to think it over. I will be watching this point and will help you on reaching a premature decision. Always try your best to keep the discussion problem oriented. Don't let it become personality centered. If it does, I will try to reorient the discussion to the issues. If that cannot be done, we will terminate the session, since a personality centered discussion is detrimental to problem solving. If a session become too difficult, feel free to ask that we end early. Negotiating is a systematic search for solutions that will lead to a settlement you can both be comfortable with. It requires patience and some measure of good will. Even at it's most successful it cannot solve the problems that led to the decision to separate. However, it can help you implement this decision with less pain and with a sense of dignity and control over the process. Hopefully, it will also help you place the past behind you and help you focus on the future, a future you have helped determine. Rather than one defined by a settlement imposed from the outside.
HOW TO IMPLEMENT YOUR SETTLEMENT
When you have arrived at the settlement, I will prepare your memorandum of understanding. Each of you then take that memorandum of understanding to your lawyers, who incorporate your agreements into a legal separation agreement. Sometimes a lawyer will suggest minor modifications to your agreement that you feel changes the intent rather than clarify an ambiguity. If this happens, you should check with each other and with me. This is important because the agreement reached in mediation will represent a total package, carefully balancing your mutual and self interest. If your lawyer suggest substantial changes, you should consider the changes in the context of a continued mediation. That is, you know what you gave and what you got in the negotiations. Weigh the overall outcome and, if you feel the changes are warranted, return to mediation to complete the negotiations. The more complicated your financial situation, the more likely your lawyers will contribute to the final structure of the memorandum of understanding. You should not attempt to convert the memorandum of understanding into a legal agreement without the advice of a lawyer, since it is not intended to be legal document.
You may decide to consult with a lawyer at the beginning of the mediation process to insure that you know your legal rights. Even though you will negotiate directly with your spouse in the mediation process. You are free to consult with a lawyer at any time during the mediation process. and you will need to have a lawyer prepare the legal documents based on the mediation, as more fully describe below .
This is not an avenue to solve conflicts of the past. You may begin to understand some of these past problems in a different light . but we will not be working to resolve them .Rather, we shall ,through the process of mutual negotiations, attempt to define a new life with new options for each of you. To do this, there must develop a sense of mutual respect among the three of us.
Too often divorce is placed in a win/lose framework. Given that situation, compromise is difficult ,since it is seen as a lose. A smart, if less than honest, tactic is ok because it means a win. However, the result is a loss for both of you, since wining this situation denies a part of the others humanity. The divorce mediation process is designed to eliminate the win/lose atmosphere process . since the process is mutual , you cant win at the other s expense. Neither can you lose. You must come out of it with a settlement acceptable to both of you and controlled by both of you .We call that a '' WIN /WIN'' solution.
With control over the outcome you also experience a sense of power over the life decisions. The important aspects of divorce are that;
You emerge from these negotiations with a new sense of dignity and a clearer sense of self and what the future holds for you .
You can place the past behind you and concentrate on the future.
My function is to assist you reach a settlement. I do not represent either of you individually. My commitment is to a settlement you can both live with .I WILL USE MY MEDIATION SKILLS TO HELP YOUIDENTIFY THOSE AREAS OF AGREEMENT AND THESE SUBSTANTIVEAREAS OF DISAGREAMENT. I WILL HELP YOU NEGOTIATE THE SUBSTANTIVE AREAS OF DISAGREAMENT TO REACH A SETTLMENT.I WILL ALSO MANAGE THE CONFLICT BETWEEN YOU SO IT BECOMES PRODUCTIVE RATHER THAN DISTRACTIVE .
THE PROCESS
In the first phase I will help you to identify the parameters for negotiations. I will be working with you to define your short -and long -term goals. Obviously, you have given this whole matter considerable thought and you have many ideas on what the ultimate settlement should include. You can ''sound out'' ideas before proposing them .I can help by sharing my experience with you on what has worked in the past for other couples and what norms are.
I cannot define the settlement ,and I can not impose an agreement. My role is to assist you reach your agreement .I will NOT take sides on the issues .
I am interested in the settlement as a principle, and I am interested in you as people .I feel for your pain and want to help you through this difficult process and help diminish this pain. Finally, I hope to help you use these negotiations to place the past behind you .The marriage is ending ,but you have a life ahead of you . That new life can be marred by holding onto the anger of the separation, or the new life can be an exciting opportunity to redefine yourself.
I am working for and with both of you to help you reach a settlement that permits you to concentrate on the future and the potential it holds.
There is a typical process we will use to reach a settlement; however ,your individual needs may cause us to depart from a strict adherence to it. During the process we will ;
⦁ develop current and future income information
⦁ develop budget
⦁ inventory marriage assets
⦁ begin to define each of your short and long term goals
⦁ define general area of agreement
⦁ define substantive area of disagreement
⦁ identify symbolic and emotional issues
⦁ work through the parenting arrangements
⦁ negotiate money differences
⦁ develop a settlement
Sessions normally last 2 hours, however we do not limit ourselves. Rather, we attempt to complete the business schedule for that session. My role as mediator is to help you retain your power over the decision making process that affects your life. My focus is on the future and helping define new options to you.
Budgeting guidelines
The purpose of this guide is to assist you in defining what it will costs for you to live separately. Obviously your total expenses will increase, however in developing a budget you may also identify area of expenditure that can be reduced without significantly changing your essential standard of living. In addition, the process of budgeting help you to develop a rational data base from which to begin negotiation. Budgeting is difficult for most people, yet budgeting is financial planning which enable us to make intelligent decisions and rational choices. Our purpose is to enable you to establish broad outlines, and by drawing on experience, to project future needs, recognizing that your future needs will be different from the past. The budget deal with anticipated expenses. They will defer for each of you depending on certain variables. For example, who will be primarily responsible for the children? Will one of you continue to live in the family home? In many marriages, one spouse will assume responsibility for budgeting and handling the finance. This leave the other person "in the dark" When it comes to preparing the database. Doing the budget provides both of you with the same data and enable you to make rational decisions about your future. There are time when the person who has more control over the money find it difficult to share his information because knowledge is often equated with power. However if you don't share this knowledge with your spouse now, as the basis for reaching a mutual decision, you might have to share it later with the judge who will make a unilateral decision, thereby giving up all of your power. By sharing all of the information now, you assure that you will both keep and be able to exercise your power. So, in a real sense we are working together to provide you with the power to make your own decisions about your own life. That means sharing data at this point so those decisions can be mutual.
Child support
The Child support Guidelines Mandate that all child support be based on your actual income. It is assumed that you, as parents, will spend a specific percentage of your combined income on your children as follows
one child 17%
two children 25%
three 29%
four 31%
five+ 35%
The percentage is based on your gross income before deductions less money paid for FICA (social security) in the previous year.
It is assumed that each parent is contributing the same percentage to the children's expenses. In addition to the cash child support, parents are expected to share in the cost of child-care expenses incurred by the resident parent while working and uncovered medical expenses. (You are expected to cover your children under employee-provided health insurance). The ratio for sharing these expenses is the ratio of the 2 incomes less FICA.
We will start the process by reviewing the future needs as indicated by the budgets and then we will calculate and apply the child support guidelines. If you have a deficit following this part of the process, closing that deficit will be a subject of the negotiations. As you collect all the data together, you begin to define the parameters of any agreement. You cannot divide what you don't have. You will begin to see that living separately costs more than living together. Therefore, there may have to be a reduction in the standard of living of both of you once the separation begins.
This leads to uncertainties and a sense of insecurity in you. That insecurity is as integral a part of these negotiations as are the emotional issues that led to the decision to divorce. Security will be sitting at the negotiating table with you, and you won't be able to leave until you settle it's needs.
The data you have prepared enable you to consider some of the broad choices you need to make. Your final agreement will probably consist of maintenance and/or child support. There are pros and cons to each of these and to how payments should be divided. We will also consider the possibility of changing incomes and changes in the cost of living.
If you have been shopping lately for a new car or to replace furniture, you know just how expensive these items are. If you are just making ends meet and the washing machine breaks down for good, no amount of wishing will get you a new one. So, think about cars, appliances, furniture and other high-cost items you have that might need replacement in the next two years and include them in the work sheet.
Your assets
Marital assets (everything you have inheritances) need to be identified, and an equitable distribution of these must be apart of a mediated settlement. By and large, inheritances and gifts to an individual are considered nonmarital assets. This an "equitable division" state, which means it may be equitable to divide property other than equally. However the decision of how you divide the assets is up to you; you know your needs. We will work on identification of marital assets and how to divide them.
Considering your children
So far we have concentrated on the economic issues. But, what about the kids? In our society people generally think about children in 3 ways: one, as chattels " they belong to me", "I have invested all I have in them. I see in them my hopes for the future. Two, " As weapons "if he thinks he is going to see them whenever he wants, he is nuts." "If I'm paying for them, I am going to decide who visits with her and when I see the kids." Three, as people are afraid about the future, divided in loyalty, having feelings and needs independent from either of you and dependent of both you. Most of us have a combination of those feelings and sorting out which of the feelings are valid is difficult. The reality is that your children need both and you both need the children. Your the only parents they will ever have, and they need you to cooperate in the future as parents. I will help you keep this in mind as you negotiate an agreement that provides for a parenting role for both parents in the best interest of your children. One, family court judge has developed a bill of right of children in divorce actions. Among those rights are: one, the right to be treated as interested and affected person and not as a pawn, possession or chattel of either or both parents. Two, the right to grow to maturity in that home environment, which will best guarantee an opportunity for the child to mature to responsible citizenship. Three, the right to day to day love, care, discipline, and protection of the parent having custody of the child. Four, the right to know both parents and to have the benefit of such parents love and guidance through educate access. Five, the right to a positive and constructive relationship with both parents, with neither parent permitted to degrade or downgrade the other in the mid of the child. Six, the right to have moral and ethical values develop by precept and practices and to have limits set for behavior so early in life the child might develop self discipline and self control. Seven, the right to the most educate level of economic support that can be provided by the best efforts of both parents. Eight, the right to the same opportunities for education that the child would have had if the household had not dissolved. Neither of you wants to put the children in a disadvantage. You both want the best for them. However, if the children are viewed as bargaining tools or are ignored during the negotiations, then there is a disadvantage of harming them. For those reasons, it is important to determine how the children can be involved in the decision making process. They are entitled to sum input on the issues effecting their lives. The precise nature of that input should be decided in the ways you make family decisions. You would not admit a six year old to the bargaining table as an equal. On the other hand, as sixteen year old won't accept placidly a living arrangement that (s)he had no role in shaping. Part of the negotiations is about how to involve the children appropriately in those parts that have direct baring on them. There are many options open to you regarding your children. They include: join residency: in this arrangement you continue to live in close proximity (usually within the same school district) with the children spending part of each week or month in each household, coming and going according to some comfortable arrangements.
Joint parenting:
Here you agree to share all parenting decision making even though the children live primarily with one of you.
Single custody:
The children live with one of you who make all the decision with either an "open" arrangement regarding access rights of the other parent, or you make specific arrangements detailing when and where the other parent has access to the children. The joint residency arrangement might prove to be outside your realm of expectations. But if you plan to live close by and you can tolerate the essentially unstructured nature of this arrangement, then you should give it serious consideration. The important thing to remember is that you will always be parents to your children even though you decide no longer to be husband and wife. During the divorcing process, some people feel that whatever child contact their granting the other parent is concession. Such an attitude ties a stone around that parents neck. In addition to normal access, each parent should consider the other parents obligation to care for the children. You're both the parents, and while you may no longer be able to share the day to day caring for the children, you can share the week to week responsibility. Such an open arrangement also means that the children do not become a total burden on the freedom of one parent. This arrangement extends the parenting partnership theory of marriage into the post-marriage relationship. The following points should be consider in determining parenting arrangement: the age and the sex of the child, together with the interaction and inter relationship with both parents and siblings: the child's adjustment to home, school, and community: the mental and physical health of all involved. So, in planning the future, think about those points. Your children have rights, and you have rights to frequent contact with them, or relief from the day to day burdens of child rearing. They have needs. You have aspiration for them. How you work out the parenting issues will have a significant impact on the emotional life of your children and their future relationship with you as they mature.
THE NEGOTIATIONS PREPERATIONS:
Preparation is the key to success to negotiation. That is why we spend so much time preparing and educate data bass from which to start. As we get ready to negotiate here are some ground rules to follow:
KNOW YOUR CASE AND RIGHTS
You should be fully aware of your rights, and if necessary, consult with a lawyer to insure that you are. This does not mean that a lawyer should negotiate for you. You should define what it is you need in the settlement. Once you have a broad idea of what you need, begin to think through why you need it. Separate out each piece and develop in your own mind your reasons for it.
REVIEW THE OTHER POSITION
Having prepared your case, try to review the other case. What is his/her response likely to be to your proposal? What argument is s(he) likely to advance in opposition to your proposal? What things is s(he) likely to advance?
IDENTIFY THE CONSTRAINTS
As you are thinking those points through, you will also begin to identify those constraints that must be recognized and factor in. For example, you cannot divide more than is totally available. You cannot ask for $15,000 and expect your partner to leave on $10,000 if your total income is only $20,000. Or, if their is only one car and one income producer and the only way to get to work is by car, then this places a constraint on who gets the car. If you think those points through in preparation, you won't be surprised in the actual negotiations.
LIST THE POINTS
List the points you wanna raise in each session: define your goals into an order of priority to help you deicide what to emphasize in the session. As you prepare for the negotiations, the task will often seem formidable. You will worry about not doing it correctly and many aspects of it will rekindle anger as it touch on some of the reasons of the divorce.
OUR ROLE (THE ROLE OF THE MEDIATOR)
My role at this point is to help each of you develop your case. I do this by focusing on what is in your best interest without regard to the other party, since the give and take must come from each of you in the negotiations.
GUIDELINE FOR USEFUL BEHAVIOR
There are some useful guidelines for behavior at the meetings. I will start the discussion from area of common agreement, rather than from an obviously controversial area. Once you have secured a beginning base of agreement on which to build, you will find that subsequent favorable accommodations are more easily reached on disputed issues. As you reach agreement, I make a not of them, and we will remove those issues from the table. That does not mean we can't reopen those issues later, and obviously nothing is finalized until the actual settlement is signed. During the talks my focus is reaching a settlement you can both live with. Therefore, I will always be looking for the yes and trying to avoid reaching a premature no. However, each of you has the right to say no to the demands that are totally unacceptable to you. In mediation I help you to make a good effort to see the others point of view without losing sight of your own possession. At the same time, you should be well enough prepared to explain the reasonableness or acceptability of your proposals. To help you do this, I will ask you to state your proposal and then explain why they are beneficial to the other as well as yourself. It is often difficult to decide, and the more important the decision, the more difficult it is to reach. One way of easing the burden of making a heavy decision is to offer a "forced choice" of two alternatives. Think about situations where you can suggest two alternatives of approximately equal value. Be careful not to offer a choice between something and nothing. Always remember the goal you have set can be reached in many ways. Be open to alternative plans or routes to your goals. Try also to determine which goals can be "traded" for a goal of your partner. Negotiating is the hard of compromising ---that means giving and taking. When tensions are high as they must inevitably be in this situation, it is important to work at minimizing them. Thus, if you win a point in the debate or if the other concedes and item be gracious. Credit the other with sincerity. It will make it easier for both of you to make other compromises. Try to maintain your own sense of dignity. Don't plead your case. You have invested as much in this marriage as much as your partner has, explain your position, discuss the issues, try to persuade, but don't plead you have rights too. The real art of negotiating is listening. You know your spouse very well. Listen closely for clues as to when and how concessions are likely. Don't talk more than necessary. Many an agreement has been lost because one person kept on talking past the point when the other was willing to agree. Remember that you cannot give anything away when you are listening. If you are not ready to commit yourself at any point, don't get pressured. Say you need time to think it over. I will be watching this point and will help you on reaching a premature decision. Always try your best to keep the discussion problem oriented. Don't let it become personality centered. If it does, I will try to reorient the discussion to the issues. If that cannot be done, we will terminate the session, since a personality centered discussion is detrimental to problem solving. If a session become too difficult, feel free to ask that we end early. Negotiating is a systematic search for solutions that will lead to a settlement you can both be comfortable with. It requires patience and some measure of good will. Even at it's most successful it cannot solve the problems that led to the decision to separate. However, it can help you implement this decision with less pain and with a sense of dignity and control over the process. Hopefully, it will also help you place the past behind you and help you focus on the future, a future you have helped determine. Rather than one defined by a settlement imposed from the outside.
HOW TO IMPLEMENT YOUR SETTLEMENT
When you have arrived at the settlement, I will prepare your memorandum of understanding. Each of you then take that memorandum of understanding to your lawyers, who incorporate your agreements into a legal separation agreement. Sometimes a lawyer will suggest minor modifications to your agreement that you feel changes the intent rather than clarify an ambiguity. If this happens, you should check with each other and with me. This is important because the agreement reached in mediation will represent a total package, carefully balancing your mutual and self interest. If your lawyer suggest substantial changes, you should consider the changes in the context of a continued mediation. That is, you know what you gave and what you got in the negotiations. Weigh the overall outcome and, if you feel the changes are warranted, return to mediation to complete the negotiations. The more complicated your financial situation, the more likely your lawyers will contribute to the final structure of the memorandum of understanding. You should not attempt to convert the memorandum of understanding into a legal agreement without the advice of a lawyer, since it is not intended to be legal document.
